Tuesday, April 19, 2011


let me preface this rant: I am an educated, privileged white girl.  My parents are  still married. i have not lost anyone close to me.  I have not had my heart devastatingly broken.  i have a roof over my head and i drink espresso...

That being said... why is it so fucking hard to get a goddamn job?????? I'm not even talking salary here.  I decided to spend my summer at home in St. Louis to save up money to move to LA this winter.  My parents just sold our house and are moving into another house we own which is being rented until June 13. my parents are going to live in my aunt and uncles furnished basement for a month and i was informed today that they "just thought you'd sleep on an air mattress." me. I NEED WALLS!!! I can't just go from living on my own to living in the open.  I started freaking out.  I keep considering staying in Chicago for the summer anyways.  I'm afraid if I don't move to LA within 6 months of graduation I will get stuck because that's when my student loans will kick in and I was planning on struggling with those in LA and I know that if I'm not there by that time my parents will guilt me into staying at home.  My parents support me but they do not and will not understand me, ever.  They want me to stay in St. Louis and have babies. They don't understand art or passion or adventure.  I love them dearly but sometime i picture them taking the wrong baby home from the hospital.  Oh, then there's the car situation...my parents said if i was an RA(resident advisor) for 2 years they would buy me a car. Those 2 years were awful, my GPA went down, i was angry all of the time and i had no time for my fashion design.  Long story short they're giving me the "if we're going to help you with your student loans, we can't buy you a car."  So now i have to buy a car no matter what.  I've been looking online and the thought of working in food service or retail makes me want to blow my brains out, like, literally would rather live in a basement with a piece of chalk and do cave drawings than deal with dumb people all day and act like I'm not a talented person with a college degree.  People keep telling me to move to New York because "that's where all the fashion is"  I WILL NOT WORK FOR FREE!!!!!! and i have not seen 1 job listing that isn't either an internship (unpaid of course) or a senior design job.  I know everything with work out because it always does, but it's not my luck unless I freak out a few times before the good stuff kicks in.  I just don't want to get stuck, but that is a matter of trusting myself and trusting my network to keep pushing me.  
I had no idea the month before graduation would be this stressful and uncertain and bothersome.

Thanks for being my therapist,

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